golden phi
(A story influenced by http://en.wikipedia.org and a fair bit of randomness)
(Bold words were dictated by the wiki)
Ian was wandering around his favourite tree, when he found a Golden Phi symbol on the ground.
Ian is afraid of case sensitivity.
Ian: "Well, that's interesting..."
Ian noticed some small letters near the symbol. He crouched to read them: "Insert password to enter. Case sensitivity required."
Ian: "Oh god, not even my tree is safe from case sensivity! D: and what password is that number talking about, anyway? "
The letters suddenly changed into the following sentence: "CASE SENSIVITY - Password accepted." The symbol disappeared instantly and a hole appeared in its place. In that hole there was a book (International Standard Book Number) that Ian picked up.
Ian received International Standard Book Number
Ian: "Oh cool, finally I won't have to dig through the net to find an ISBN!"
When Ian finished speaking, a robot finished digging his way through the ground and approached Ian. When it reached him, it said "ISO 13407 - at your service, Master."
Ian: "What? Your name's a number? Are you a Jew robot?"
ISO 13407 said: "I did not choose my name. My model is ISO 3 and I'm the 13407th ISO 3 robot built. I was not built by Jews."
Ian: "Who sent you here?"
ISO 13407: "I don't know. I only followed the International standard orders."
Ian: "Well, would you look up 1984's ISBN, please? "
Ian uses International Standard Book Number on on robot
ISO 13497: "978-0-452-28423-4. If you wander enough, you can find a List of technical standard organisations around here. The International Standard Orders require me to tell you that."
Ian: "A list of technical standard organisations? Is it written on the ground like that Phi was or what?"
I don't know. The only thing I know about it is that it's located somewhere here, in Mexico.
Ian: "Well, Mexico isn't exactly small... it's not Russia, but I can't spend days travelling and asking people -Hey, have you by any chance seen a list of technical standard organizations around here?-"
ISO 13407: "You should. According to my information, finding it could help you changing the entire Economy of the United Arab Emirates... as you want..." \n Just after the robot ended speaking, Ian found some Argentine pesos on the ground and picked them up.
Ian received Argentine peso
Ian: "Ok, so I have to roam about Mexico in order to be able to manipulate the economy of the United Arab Emirates... with five Argentine pesos in my pocket? Anything else I should know? Like, that South Korea is endangered by a mad Serbian and therefore I shall go to Reykjavik to stop him? "
ISO 13407: "How did you know? Here's some food for the trip."
Ian received Food
Ian: ""What the actual fuck? Seriously? You must be kidding me... peanut butter? I'm allergic to peanuts, you asshole!""
ISO 13407: "Would you prefer some Yemeni cuisine?"
Ian: "What the hell is... no, I don't even want to know. Anyway, what God forgotten universe did I end up in?"
ISO 13407: "I don't know. Here's some Pita bread. Do you actually believe in God? The International Standard Orders require me to ask you it."
Ian received Pita bread
Ian: "Tell the International Standard Men to mind their own fucking business, and that I'll shove the Pita bread up their asses... "
Ian uses Pita bread on mimicking the threat
Ian: "...if they persist in sending robots which suggest insane deeds but apparently don't know shit about anything regarding that "new world order conspiracy"-like absurdness"
ISO 13407: "The only conspiracy I know something about is the LOVE conspiracy. The International Standard Orders don't allow me to let you abandoning your quest." \n Ian can see ISO 13407 sparkle for a moment, then he faints. He wakes up in a place he haven't ever seen before, near a village. There's a pub that sells Tortilla chips for 1 Argentine peso every bowl.
Ian: "Oh, nice, tortillas! Barman, I'll take one of those... they don't contain peanuts, do they? Oh, and by the way, would you be so kind as to tell me where I am? "
Ian uses Argentine peso on barman
Barman: "You're in a small, nameless village right in the middle of Australia. Who are you? I don't see new people often here, you know?"
Ian: "I'm Ian, and I have absolutely no idea how I got here. But how can a village be nameless? And why the hell would an Australian want to be payed in pesos? And how long does it takes to have a goddamn tortilla? And where the fuck is my change?"
Barman: "This village simply has no name, I want to be paid in Pesos because the International Standard Orders require me to accept payments in pesos without releasing any change, and to receive you tortilla chips you have to answer a simple maths question. How much is sqrt(golden_phi^2+61-43*sqrt(2))?"
Ian: "Easy, sqrt(247-172*sqrt(2)+2*sqrt(5))/2. By any chance, is there a gunshop in this village or anywhere less then 4 hours away?"
Barman: "You should go to Toowoomba, it's the nearest place with a gunshop... Unortunately, it's almost 16 hours away."
Ian: "How can I find the way to Toowoomba?"
Barman: "You should buy a map of the Northern Territory. It's 4 pesos."
Ian: "Give me one of those, then."
Barman: "I'm sorry, no one except the Chief Minister is allowed to hold or sell one."
Ian: "... Can't you at least point me in the right direction? And where's my peanut butter?"
Barman: "You should find the Chief Minister in India. Why would you want to have some peanut butter?"
Ian: "... Fine, so could I have a knife and a fork with my tortilla?"
Barman: "Strangers are strange... I don't know why someone would want to eat some tortilla chips with knife and fork... Anyway, you have to win the ISSF World Shooting Championships to receive them."
Ian: "Just give me my tortilla then... do you have at least some dental floss?"
Barman: "If you ask for some dental floss, you have to win the World Rowing Championships to have your tortilla chips."
Ian looks around and sees an empty glass bottle lying on a table
Ian: "Fine, just go get me my tortilla then"
Barman: "Only if you're able to list me the ITF World Champions."
Ian: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ITF_World_Champions"
Barman: "Where was Petr Korda born?"
Ian grabs the bottle, breaks it and use it to stab the barman. 42 times.
Ian: "Does anyone here happen to know how to make a tortilla?"
There was no one else in the pub, except a David Rikl poster.
Ian: "Apparently not... "
Ian walks outside the pub
Except another poster (Tim Henman this time) and a couple of houses, the road was completely empty.
Ian: "Good, finally I can rest "
Ian finds a comfortable place in the shadow of the houses and closes his eyes
Is evening, and Ian wakes up. The first thing he sees is a robot that he thinks he has already seen before. he robot says "Switzerland."
Ian: "Cool, bring me there. "
Ian hopes the destination will be Geneva
The robot shines for a while, and Ian faints again. He wakes up in Burkina Faso. (I know it's not in Switzerland.)
Ian: "WTF? Where the fuck am I now? Pretty shure this is not Switzerland..."
Robot: "You're in Burkina Fasu. Thera are no Human rights in Burkina Faso."
Ian: "And why the hell did you bring me here?"